Unexpected and so ill timed

I guess sometimes you ask yourself where do you get the extra to pull from when you feel tapped out, you ache, you want to scream, you want to just have a single day of normalcy. The kind of day you wake up and say to yourself "what am I going to do today and smile and run off to do it!"  Those days don't seem to exist right now.  I struggle to understand my wife's illness, her emotions, how to make her fill loved.  Sometimes you just don't have an answer.  Add to it a very depressing winter season this year and sometimes it feels like a mountain to high to climb.  When I need my kids the most, they are busy, working, living life.  But how do you make someone realize that things are starting to slow down and fail without injecting yourself into their busy lives?  Digging through picture books is great but it opens up sentimental memories and makes it worse and you see what has passed you by and is to late to go back and get it again.  There are so many people in my life I love, so many that don't even know it, and I hurriedly make plans to tell them and never do.  What am I waiting for?  Miracles I guess, but lately I haven't been walking on water.  I want what time I have left to mean something to somebody, I want to write the things people want to read and for them to mean something but I can't force them out. What used to be so full of words, and verse, is now so hard to reach and to say what I need to feel and say. Losing the feeling in your finger tips and feet, the ability to taste, the constant burning from radiation makes you feel like anything but alive.  You say I will beat this but then you see them struggling to find a way to help you handle all of the side effects and you wonder.  You have accidents you never had,  you feel less than a human. You look in the mirror and you watch the effects it has on your face and hands, your looks, the effects it has on you.  The hair that used to be silver is now gray, the smile is now wrinkles, and the condition you worked so hard to maintain is now gone.  That's me, now trying to put Sharon's life back in order is priority one because I realized it is all mute without her health.  You take everything for granted. You let petty arguments between family members become life disrupting events, you tear apart what was once a fortress and now it is crumbling and you wonder how and why it all began.  The words "I and Love and You" become harder to say.  Forget about "I'm sorry!"  It's to hard to say.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rqsltr5vsE&list=PLD10DB4A824F863BD

This song has a very special meaning to me as my niece also loves it and we are two peas in a pod.  Simply highlight the link, paste it into a browser, hit enter, and it will open.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

God bless!