It's been awhile.

The last few weeks have been filled with such things as a flexible sigmoidoscopy. Wow impressive, I spelled it right!  My wife went with me this time per our doctor's request.  He told us that it took forever for him to find the tumor as it is now so small. He also said he found it lower in my colon than Doctor Patel said when I went into the hospital through the ER. Doctor Patel also said my colon was completely blocked by the tumor. My doctor said he tatooed the tumor, related the next steps and what could go wrong during the surgery. Not feeling my luck has been good lately I grew concerned. What if he cuts out good tissue and leaves the tumor by accident?  I am frustrated right now and am scheduling a meeting with my family doctor to discuss my concerns.  If we continue, my surgery is scheduled for June 4th.  They plan to take a section above the tumor, move it below the tumor, remove the tumor, and connect the pieces. I then have nine sessions of chemo, two weeks apart, and during that time I will have a colostomy bag. Once the chemo is done they will remove the colostomy bag and hopefully my normal bowel function will resume. 

I am realistic and realize this is a hard road ahead.  I have a strong faith in God and I am Irish, what more do you need?
  

The next step

It's been awhile. Took some time away from reality to get my mind clear.  I had a meeting with my surgeon and got an idea what my options were.  Limited but better than no options.  The last month has been one of  discovering things that chemo damaged.  Losing my fingernails now. At least new ones are growing in. My sense of smell is all screwed up. I can't smell bacon frying, it's the end!  Left little finger and finger next to it are numb, been that day for over four months.  Eyes are much worse and will be visiting my local eye doctor shortly.  I crave Mrs Grass noodle soup.  I am down 38 pounds and that feels good but to my doctor it's not.  My surgery will be the middle of May as I must be off radiation at least ten weeks prior.  Good news is I get to use the baseball tickets to Coveleski stadium with my sons for Father's day.  Shawn surprised me with them.  Great son!  It will be awesome.

My wife is doing much better and is now eating well and appears to be gaining strength.  Prayers are answered!  On August 6th we will be married 49 years. Seems like yesterday.  Well gotta run, it's bed time.

Jennifer, angel from heaven

Because I am on so many different drugs it is hard to remember what normal feels like.  I wake up in the morning to a very sore throat where even water is hard to swallow.  Jennifer, my angel from heaven nurse tries different combinations of things until she hits upon one that works and puts it in place. I don't know what I would do with out her, Alex, and Brittney. They make me laugh, they make me feel like I matter, and they never have a bad word.  Your job is unbelievably hard, trying to do your job, deal with patient emotions, personalities, and who knows what but believe me I love each and every one of you.  I express my opinion and sometimes I should bite my tongue.  They put up with it.  I accidentally push the nurse button, they just smile.  Rubbing someones feet can't be fun, but Brittney and Jennifer did it with no complaint.  Clipping skin off that has died due to chemo is even worse but it was done and it felt great to feel the floor when I walked again.

I tried every combination of food on the menu that was softer and after a few days dreaded meal time.  The food was great, but after a period everything tastes the same.  I did enjoy the view at night from my sixth floor room out over the area with all its lights. I would pick out a set of car lights and follow them wondering where they were going.  Life can be such a puzzle and when a piece is missing it just isn't a complete picture. You learn to value things that you take for granted. Talking with your wife while watching TV,  the sounds of your sons voices when they call and seeing them when they visit.  The smile from an old friend when they visit you and the feeling when they hug you.

It's bed time, the day was pretty uneventful, my usual three hour nap, got a hair cut and hated looking in the mirror, went and got a few groceries as I needed exercise and came home.

Good night and God bless.

Two Heisman level nurses at SJMC!

I had the greatest thrill of my life today when I got to meet one of my childhood heroes granddaughters.  Katie Lattner, Johnny Lattner's granddaughter. Johnny was the 1953 Heisman Trophy award winner. He also won the Maxwell Award twice as well. Joining Katie was a very nice young lady, Stephanie S. They were trainees from Saint Mary's working at Saint Joseph Regional Medical Center!   Having smiling faces like theirs sure does brighten up a dismal hospital room. God sure does work in mysterious ways.  Thanks ladies for putting a smile on my face!

Cynthia and Sarah

It has been awhile since I posted but little has changed. The same mouth sores, the same radiation sores that need attention, the same hunger for food that I can no longer eat.  Trying to feel ones fingers is a lost cause but having them is so much better than not having them. I have now went through over fifteen different drugs trying to find a solution. I am wearing a fentanyl patch. Highly addictive but necessary.

The final day of chemo/radiation is usually a significant day, you have went through hell now you wait. I was enthused, I was ready to fight. Within four hours the side effects started showing up. My radiation markers were moved on my rump and I was burned raw within my crotch area. Why did these move, was it an accident, talk to me doctor that's all I ask.  My hands have now completely peeled and look like lobsters claws.  I have lost thirty two pounds although a few have been added back in the last few days.  I ended up back in the hospital. Four nights now and who knows. I miss my wife, I miss my TV, I miss my bed, I miss my friends.  I missed the big game in Florida between Bethel College and Ave Maria University coached by two of our former Bethel players.

Today was a great day however. Two young nursing students from Saint Mary's college were brought to the hospital by their professor.  As part of their nursing training they had to care for me.  They were so special, so alive, and they both had such beautiful smiles. We talked about life, aging, influential people, attitudes, confidence, and just being thankful for what we had. Mother Maureen also stopped by and we all talked. We each took something away from our meeting, I know I did.  She thanked me afterwards for the life lessons and she added me to the prayer list at the church.

When in a short period of six hours you instantly bond with someone, you have met truly remarkable people, and it is something you can't explain but you know that God wanted all of us together today. Thank you Cynthia and Sarah, You made me feel special. I hope somewhere in today's talks you took something away to use in life.

I did and will never forget you!  Now about those cold hands.....................

The final days of Chemo and Radiation

Tomorrow is my final day of chemo and radiation. I am sore everywhere it is possible to be sore. Everyday I see the same faces, the same nurses and practitioners, the same sad faces on so many many people. The dietitian is pregnant as well as the radiation specialist. I think about the irony of the beginning of life cycles and the smiles on their faces when they talk about their future families. I only hope that when they get to our ages there is a cure but somehow I doubt there will be. I always get a kick out of driving through the parking garages at the hospitals and look at the cars of the doctors and admins. I see Porsches, Bentleys, a Rolls Royce, a red Ferrari 458 Italia, Mercedes up the wazoo, you name it and all expensive. All parked next to the doors and a short walk from the entrance while the many patients and visitors drive around in circles looking for a place to park. My radiation doctor told me today that they push you to the max and then back off just enough to see what you can handle. He said yeah, it might hurt a little but better than not doing it. I looked at him for a few minutes and he could tell I was constructing a well thought response but what I had in mind would have been inappropriate in that I am not licensed to carry. I wonder if he had to make that call on a loved one if he would have been so callous in his remark. So my next step is somewhere between four weeks and eight weeks I will have the surgery. No one has appraised me as to what to expect and I imagine it will be a surprise as things seem to be lately. In my recovery plan I am to follow with 24-30 weeks of follow up chemo. I just came off one of the most potent chemos there is 5-FU. So far my hair is still here, softer and thinner, but still here. I would gladly give my hair to a young lady from our Mishawaka Northside Little League days by the name of Kristi. She shows how to fight this way more than I can and I admire her so much. The next step, the next challenge, and on top of it the next ACA challenge upcoming. God, my wife, and my friends are holding me up right now. I am going to take a week away in early March to just visit a new friend I have made on Facebook, see some relatives in Ohio, and find a place I can relax and just read. Perspective I guess and finding a room with a fireplace and an Irish setter laying next to it might be a little hard to find in Northeast Ohio.